What the title says really.  Might cause laughter.  Might.

Sorry, this review is long.  Way long.  Too long.  So here's a short one:

3/5

Here's the long one:

I impatiently queued.  Greasy hair. Greasier beard.  Even grieasier t shirt.  Who cares?  I've waited years for this.  When are the doors opening? Come on, hurry up!
The doors open.  No time to lose.  No one will get in my way.  All those people in front can bugger off, me first.
I finally get there.  My prize.  After all these years, I couldn't have imagined the heroes would be back. But they were.
This is it.  I plonk my money down on the table.
"Episode I please!"


If only getting the James album were so easy.

I woke early, really early (10am). I hadn't pre-ordered the album, I wanted it on release day so I was going to go and buy it the old fashioned way.

"I'm just going out!"
"Your grandad wants you to make him a notice for his window"
"Grr"

30 minutes later
"I'm going out!"

2 minutes later
"I'm back, the car won't start"

Bollocks.

"Mom, where's the car battery charger?"
"In the shed"
"No it isn't"
"Just wait until your dad gets back"

2 hours later
"Dad, where's the battery charger?"
"In the shed"
"Arse"
"Alex, don't swear"

1 hour later
"How long does this thing take?"
"Overnight"
"Cry"

1 hour later
"Woohoo, it started"

1 second later
"It's stalled.  Damn you Allah!"

Every failed turnover was like a mock.  A vicious mock.

1 hour later
"Right, I'm going, I'll just drive everywhere in first gear to charge it up.  Screw the environment."

30 minutes later
"Where the fuck is this thing"

One shop later
"Oh right, I forgot, West Bromwich is stuck in 1987"

30 minutes later
"Where did all this traffic come from?"

20 minutes later
"Have a nice day sir"
"Just give me the damn receipt you bastard"



Michael Jackson's Monkey

The weird keyboard that's right at the start of Bubbles, the one that sounds like Phillip Glass' chapel organ, also sounds exactly like the interference my wireless gyroscopic mouse makes with my guitar.  EXACTLY like it.  Just because I've been travelling a lot recently doesn't give you the right to break into my room and use my stuff!

Dear Jim

Stop it!

Yours

Sweezely

P.S.  We all know you're a frustrated guitarist.  You aren't fooling anyone.  You aren't meant to play chords on a bass.  If you really want a guitar, steal one of Saul's, assuming he hasn't sold them all for booze.


The weird rhythm of the supposed "bassline" (I'm onto you Jim) makes it sound like it was sampled.  Maybe it was.  Sounded kinda weird at first but I got used to it.  Which is good, because everything else is lovely.  Really lovely.  [i]Too[/i] lovely.  So lovely it actually cheered my up after my dog died (that's not a joke), and I loved the little guy. 

It's like James blew their load too early, and that's a porno I don't want to see.

Heeeeeeeeyyyyy Yoooooooooouuuuuuu Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuyyyyys!

 

Oddly truncated opening.  Did they cut the start off when copying the tape?

Lovely keyboard.  Sounds like it's from a late nineties Vengaboys song.  That is awesome.  Also, the whole track (and actually, the whole album) seems to be plastered in reverb.  You can NEVER have too much reverb.  I would applaud L. Baker but I can't be bothered.

The jaunty chorus, juxtaposed (posh word alert) with the war imagery reminds me of a Paul Verhoeven film.

That Song By The Stone Roses

Suicidal title or cashing in on their success?  You decide because I don't want to.  Deliriously happy, every time I hear it I have a massive grin.  It's a shame that some of the melodies from Hoxton got lost (Saul's violin and Larry's backing vocals, although there's no way Larry should have sung them on the album), but the rather generic chords are bolstered by not entirely being verse chorus repeat kinda thing.  You know.

Ouch, My Brain

 

Either a modern Say Something or one of the better cuts from Booth And The Bad Angel (without that HORRIBLE woman wailing over it, though, you know the one I mean).  Sounds a bit like something from Wah Wah too, the way the guitars have been cut in and out and shaken all about.  Could be massive.  Should be massive.

Won't be massive.

Boom Boom Boom Boom

When I first saw the title, I thought "finally, that cover of the Vengaboys' Boom Boom Boom Boom I always wanted", but alas, no.  Stop teasing me you bastards!

The new ending grew on me.  Very nice.  I was expecting this to turn into the English Beefcake of the album, but it became something a bit more, well, Boom Boomey.

Dear Mr Baker

I retract my previous applause.  Please make sure you put some silence before this track.  The transition is too abrupt.

Yours

Sweezely

P.S. Why are you named after wet dirt? Seems like a crappy nickname.


Waving Flags

Imagine Alaskan Pipeline crossed with Out To Get You.  Imagine that, except better.  Imagine that you think it's building to something great.  Then imagine, instead of something great, it fades out.  Grrr.

Lyrically, however, it's like a grown up Lullaby.  Spousal abuse, not child abuse.  Hope it's not the same person being abused.


Offside

Confession: I never cared for Upside.  So imagine my delight when it opens with a much better acoustic guitar/piano intro.  Great.  Then the chorus crashes in, and it really crashes.  Tim's singing with far too much gusto, Larry inexplicably deciding to stop halfway through his guitar riff, and everything sounding like a rather unglorious mess.  And a keychange. James have never had a keychange.  This is why.

"Here are some words, kissing your face"?  What the fuck are you on about?

 

Put it back in, it's not cooked yet.


Cracker

 

Daft, demented, fun, not very original.  Like Crash crossed with Laid, only not as good.  Not bad though, I like it.


8 x 12

Q: How do you stop reviewers comparing you, unfavourably, to U2?
A: Release a song that sounds exactly like mid-90s U2.

Idiots.

It is, however, one of my favourites on the album.  This is all the more surprising, as when I wrote my comments at Hoxton, next to "A/B" I wrote "definitely more B than A".  Kudos James.  You idiots.


Of Mice And Men

 

Weird Saul pratting about bit, then it starts (Jim playing chords again just to piss me off).  Then Mark starts playing Lullaby.  Fortunately he switches to piano when he realises his mistake, and it continues.  Conjures up lovely images of clifftops and sunsets and other romantic crap like that.  Constantly builds instead of building only at the end, which makes a refreshing change and a rather delightful piece of music.


Stop The World, I Wanna Get Off

 

Who is playing the cello?  Is it just a treated violin or an actual cello? Could it be that they dragged Adrian out of a dusty classroom?  I demand to know these things.

Like Blue Pastures crossed with Black Hole.  I just love the rhythm at the end, everyone chanting "I wanna go home".  I cannot possibly count the amount of times I've thought the same thing about my life.  Lyrically, my favourite, and my favourite closing track since Alaskan Pipeline.


Overall I rate this above Laid, above Seven, about the same as Gold Mother and much less than Millionaires.  But I'm weird like that.

I give it 3/5.  It would get 4, but they mispelled ebow in the liner notes.  And it's not a baritone guitar, Saul.